One great feature for horror movies is their taglines. Even the bottom of the barrell horror movies have great taglines. Here is a sample of my favorites
10. "Herbert West had a good head on his shoulders. And another one on his desk" - Re-Animator (1985)
9."Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water" - Jaws 2 (1978)
8. "The Body Count Continues" - Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)
7. "Who Will Survive and What Will Be Left of Them" - The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)
6. "They're Coming to Eat you Barbara" - Night of the Living Dead (1968)
5. "The Good news is your date is here. The bad news is he's dead" - Night of the Creeps (1986)
4. "The only thing more terrifying than the last 12 minutes of this film is the first 92" - Suspiria (1977)
3. "In Space No one can hear you scream" - Alien (1979)
2. "Man is The Warmest Place to Hide" - The Thing (1982)
1. "To Avoid Fainting, Keep on Repeating...It's only a movie, It's only a movie" - Last House on the Left (1972)
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The Six Worst Horror Sequels
Normally I rate my best, so this time I'll go with the worst list. But rather than drum on the crappy remakes and torture movies that have poisoned the horror cinema in recent years, I thought i'd touch on the bottom of our favorite franchises. Generally I enjoy nearly all those movies because they follow a simple formula. But sometimes they try to strech it, and that's where the disaster strikes. So on to my list
1. JAWS IV: THE REVENGE - I never really considered these movies to be horror movies, but since most do I have to include the worst movie ever made. This movie is beyond stupid. It's bad enough that this shark is some sort of serial killer, but shouldn't it be easy for this woman to get away from the shark? Just move off the freaking beach!
2. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN - There was endless potential here. But instead of 'taking Manhattan' the movie spends 3/4 its time on a cruise ship before a few quick shots of Times Square and then Jason roaming around a very Toronto-looking city. Just a huge letdown. How bad is this movie? It went from the best movie poster ever to this horrible incarnation.
3. HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH - The filmmakers decided not to use the Michael Myers formula this time, instead opting for some tale about a toy company out to kill millions via a killer mask. It didn't work, and Michael Myers came back for the 4th one.
4. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART V: A NEW BEGINNING - Since Part IV was 'the final chapter', this time we see a copycap killer sporting the hockey mask killing mentally ill patients. It didn't work, and Jason went back to killing camp counselors in Part VI.
5. TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE NEXT GENERATION - It's not even worth it to see a young Renee Zellwegger or Matthew McConaghay. Instead canibalistic chainsaw wielding nuts, we get people who believe in some alien/government conspiracy.
6. EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC - The 3rd Exorcist with George C Scott isn't bad. The problem is this drivel, in which an older Linda Blair is possessed by the demon. Stupid plot ensues.
1. JAWS IV: THE REVENGE - I never really considered these movies to be horror movies, but since most do I have to include the worst movie ever made. This movie is beyond stupid. It's bad enough that this shark is some sort of serial killer, but shouldn't it be easy for this woman to get away from the shark? Just move off the freaking beach!
2. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN - There was endless potential here. But instead of 'taking Manhattan' the movie spends 3/4 its time on a cruise ship before a few quick shots of Times Square and then Jason roaming around a very Toronto-looking city. Just a huge letdown. How bad is this movie? It went from the best movie poster ever to this horrible incarnation.
3. HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH - The filmmakers decided not to use the Michael Myers formula this time, instead opting for some tale about a toy company out to kill millions via a killer mask. It didn't work, and Michael Myers came back for the 4th one.
4. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART V: A NEW BEGINNING - Since Part IV was 'the final chapter', this time we see a copycap killer sporting the hockey mask killing mentally ill patients. It didn't work, and Jason went back to killing camp counselors in Part VI.
5. TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE NEXT GENERATION - It's not even worth it to see a young Renee Zellwegger or Matthew McConaghay. Instead canibalistic chainsaw wielding nuts, we get people who believe in some alien/government conspiracy.
6. EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC - The 3rd Exorcist with George C Scott isn't bad. The problem is this drivel, in which an older Linda Blair is possessed by the demon. Stupid plot ensues.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Separate But Equal
I’ll admit. I have a major prejudice. I know in this day and age such a notion is beyond shocking. But I just can’t help myself. When I see one my skin crawls. When one sits next to me I get up and move. But this hatred has nothing to do with race, creed, sex, or age. No. The group I hate are smokers. You see smokers have become the bane of my day. I can’t understand for the life of me why people do it.
Let’s forget for a minute the well documented health issues. Have you people smelled yourself? I’d rather spend a weekend in a port-a-potty than spend 5 minutes on a train next to someone fresh off a cigarette. I’ll never get over a seemingly attractive woman so obviously concerned with appearance and body image that flushes it all away by smelling like a rancid, burned piece of raccoon meat. It’s bad enough that they smell, but now they have to get their foul odor on everyone else. It’s always nice to shower and smell nice and than have it ruined ten minutes after going out a night because someone near you had to light up.
But okay for whatever reasons smokers have decided to live with the fact that they stink worse than a diaper waste bin and have the breath of a homeless crack addict. I get it. They’re people, and they deserve rights. I don’t support a ban of smoking. If they want to do it, they should be able to. But then again, we have our rights too. So I suggest a simple solution. Separate but equal.
Give smokers their own worlds. They’re own sanctuary complete with grocery store, shopping mall, hospital, movie theatre, post office, auto garage, bar, restaurant, bakery, banquet hall, salon, museum, Laundromat, transportation, arena, and all the works. The same things that we have in our towns. But this way they can keep the smell to themselves. I won’t have to shower a second time each day. I won’t have to do wash every 3 days to keep the stink from my smoke infested clothes from getting in the rest of the house. It won’t be bad. They’ll be treated just the same.
Sure there could be pitfalls. Intermarriage of a non-smoker and a smoker comes to mind. But I guess they’ll just have too choose a side if they’re love is that strong. I welcome them to have that right. But it’s time to take action, and at least try this out. What’s the worst that could happen? Fresh air?
Let’s forget for a minute the well documented health issues. Have you people smelled yourself? I’d rather spend a weekend in a port-a-potty than spend 5 minutes on a train next to someone fresh off a cigarette. I’ll never get over a seemingly attractive woman so obviously concerned with appearance and body image that flushes it all away by smelling like a rancid, burned piece of raccoon meat. It’s bad enough that they smell, but now they have to get their foul odor on everyone else. It’s always nice to shower and smell nice and than have it ruined ten minutes after going out a night because someone near you had to light up.
But okay for whatever reasons smokers have decided to live with the fact that they stink worse than a diaper waste bin and have the breath of a homeless crack addict. I get it. They’re people, and they deserve rights. I don’t support a ban of smoking. If they want to do it, they should be able to. But then again, we have our rights too. So I suggest a simple solution. Separate but equal.
Give smokers their own worlds. They’re own sanctuary complete with grocery store, shopping mall, hospital, movie theatre, post office, auto garage, bar, restaurant, bakery, banquet hall, salon, museum, Laundromat, transportation, arena, and all the works. The same things that we have in our towns. But this way they can keep the smell to themselves. I won’t have to shower a second time each day. I won’t have to do wash every 3 days to keep the stink from my smoke infested clothes from getting in the rest of the house. It won’t be bad. They’ll be treated just the same.
Sure there could be pitfalls. Intermarriage of a non-smoker and a smoker comes to mind. But I guess they’ll just have too choose a side if they’re love is that strong. I welcome them to have that right. But it’s time to take action, and at least try this out. What’s the worst that could happen? Fresh air?
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